"If You Want More Love, Why Don't You Say So?"...a little marital advice from John Mayer's Heartbreak Warfare

I'm not quite sure where I learned it or how it happened, but somewhere along the way, I decided that directly communicating my wants and needs to my wife would either bore her or offend her so I had to come up with a whole different set of tactics. The possibilities were endless. I could pout and mope around and hopefully, if I looked angry enough and focused hard enough on what need she wasn't meeting, then she would supernaturally gain the ability to read my mind. Or I could think of something that she needs me to do and not do it until she is finally forced to ask me about it and then I could totally unload the incredible rebuttal that I had already rehearsed in my head..."sure honey, I'd be glad to do that for you but it makes it really hard to do (fill in the blank) WHEN YOU NEVER DO (fill in the blank) FOR ME!!!!!" (The rebuttal never plays out in real life the same way that it plays out so effectively in my head.)

John Mayer presents a very novel idea in his Heartbreak Warfare lyric..."if you want more love, why don't you say so?". My wife and I, through the wisdom of a counselor, picked up two words that resonate with Mayer's lyric. We started learning to use statements that started with the words "I need...". If she was starting to get frustrated with me not noticing things that needed to be done around the house she would just say "I need you to take out the trash" or "I need you to do the dishes" or "I need you to see if you can be more aware of things that need to be done so that I don't feel like I'm always having to tell you what to do." As a guy, I don't ever mind being needed by my wife to do anything. It is a much more effective tactic than her being cold and irritated until I start asking "what's wrong?" over and over again until she finally tells me and then by that time we're both so irritated that we break out our lists of needs that aren't being met and begin to reduce our marriage to a list of contractual "I will, If you..." clauses.

Setting a couple of boundaries will help keep you both from going to legal language land. The first is that you are not allowed to immediately break out your list of needs in response to the other's "I need" statement. Allow the need that is being presented to be the focus of the conversation. At a later time, you can present your need but it cannot feel like an "I will, if you.." response.

The second boundary is that you have to fight off the temptation to immediately put up a defense for why that need is not getting met. If you truly have a valid reason for why you are not able to meet that need, you might just want to give it some time before you bring that up. One of the more important dynamics going on is that the person with the "I need.." statement just wants to be heard without an immediate defense.

My wife and I have been able to communicate using "I need.." through a lot of different issues ranging from lighter issues such as the need to help out with simple chores (ex: "Honey, I need you to help me out today and vacuum the den and dust the tables.") to much heavier issues such as the need for more sexual intimacy (ex: "Honey, I need to feel wanted so I would appreciate it if you would initiate us being intimate more often.")

Through this type of communication, we have actually been able to find improvements and solutions verses having the same fight every two or three weeks that never seems to get resolved. It has also allowed us to have an environment in our marriage where we really do feel like we can "say so" when we need or want something from each other.